Andrea & the Mole

So every couple of years my family takes a vacation together; this includes 12 adults and 10 kids…in short, the typical Italian family size.  We usually head south to either North Carolina or South Carolina and spend 10 days in pure relaxation, good times, and the creation of many memories. Oh, and of course we always drive.  On this particular drive down to pure bliss vacation time, the weather was quite drab and was rainy, windy, and gloomy; just all the horrible weather conditions imaginable to drive in.  Therefore, we decide to make a stop about half way through the drive and to get a hotel for the rest of the day.  We are all so grateful for the break from, not only driving through all the horrible weather, but also to get out of the car and to stretch. 

Quickly we grab the bags we need, find our rooms, and start getting settled into our rooms.  We continue to meander between the two rooms to joke around with everyone and to see if anyone needs help with anything.  [If you have ever seen the movie Home Alone and all the commotion that goes on with their family traveling and doing stuff; this is kind of like my family.]  Anyways, as we are all getting settled and the rain continues to pound outside, my sister Andrea lingers in the doorway to chat while we’re all moving around doing what we’re doing.  I stand on the other side of the room, observing everyone and everything and just joking around.  All of a sudden, Andrea screams and sprints across the room to jump up on the bed, while my Dad frantically kicks at something.  If I were a gymnast judge, I would score Andrea with an 8 for speed and maneuverability to the bed.

              What the hell was going on???  Andrea then says, “When I was standing over by the door I felt something touching my foot.  Thinking Dad was playing a joke on me I thought nothing of it, until I saw Dad across the room I realized this was not the case.  I looked down to see a MOLE!”  That’s right, one of those hideous blind, dirt dwellers had made it’s way into our room, trying to escape the down pour of the rain only to “playfully” scratch at my sister’s foot. My Dad had gotten rid of the mole and the room just filled with the boom of laughter after Andrea had told everyone what just happened.  I am so gratefully that it was Andrea that had gotten the special touch of the mole and not I!   

Tae Kwan Doe vs. Karate

Everyone knows how sibling rivalry can be, “I’m better at [fill in whatever you desire] than you are!” Well, being that I have five sisters this wasn’t necessarily a problem we had.  Until the day my sister, Annette, was in Tae Kwan Doe and I was in Karate.  It was around Christmas time, Annette was in college and I was probably a freshman in high school.  We were all sitting around chatting, my cousin visiting and goofing off with Annette, and some how the topic of martial arts was brought up.  You could feel the tension in the air as my sister and I began our debate.  “Tae Kwan Doe is so much better than Karate because blah blah blah!” “No, Karate is better because blah blah blah!” [No conditioner is better I make the hair silky smooth! For all you Billy Madison fans out there…you are welcome.] So with much debate and argument we decided to put our martial art skills into use.   When I come to think about it, I really don’t think either of us really used any martial art skills rather than just wrestle and try to throw one another onto the ground.  So after much wrestling, Annette throws me down and starts to walk away victoriously.  “Oh no, she’s not getting off that easy.” I think.  I charge towards Annette and BAM!  She does an old back kick to my nose.  My thoughts?  “Oh shit this hurts!” and “Oh shit I’m going to cry!”  Well me being the person I am—not liking to cry in front of anyone—announce how I am “Suddenly really tired,” and make a dash to my room so I can cry in privacy. My sister knowing this fact about me, follows me to my room to assure that I am “okay” and of course prove that “Tae Kwan Doe is better.”  To this day my nose still feels, “taunt” every now and then and I will never forget that back kick maneuver she pulled out of nowhere.  

I Want Eggs?

It was morning at school and my friend and I were going to get breakfast.  Yes, it’s that luxury of being at college when everything is made, you have a meal plan, and you really don’t have to worry/think about the whole process of “what to eat.”  So it’s a buffet of all the assorted breakfast foods you can imagine and you tell the person working what you want and they pile it all on the plate for you.  There I am, waiting, and I order some scrambled eggs with some hash browns, bacon, etc on the side.  My friend comes up to me during me ordering and tells me to order the same for him so I think, “Cool, will do.” 

Well, I have to admit sometimes I get caught up in my thoughts and either; forget what I’ve said out loud and in my head, remember only the vague specifics of what people tell me, try to say two words at once; in result making up new “exotic” and highly accented words, or everyone’s favorite: I think that I know what I’m going to say next, so I “zone out” from what to say next because my thought is, “my brain can fill in the blanks.”  Yeah, if you have ever spent a good amount of time around me I am sure you have experienced one of these cases first hand…and you’re welcome! 

Okay, so back to the story.  I am standing there holding my plate, trying to remember what my friend had told me to add to his eggs and the man starts to hand me the plate.  Caught up in my thoughts I look at all the breakfast choices thinking, “No, he didn’t say pancakes. No, don’t say sausage. Focus Ali, you can remember this!”   And what do I say?  “I want eggs?” The man stands there holding out a plate of eggs and just stares at me with the expression of “Seriously?”.  My friend happens to walk up in this moment and cracks up at the situation and clarifies, “No, she meant to say add some hash browns, bacon, etc.” Yes, another classic moment for me, but that’s just how I am.       

The Bee

So it’s the middle of July and I’m doing a workout in my apartment.  I have the fans running, windows cracked, and I am almost done with the workout.  The last part is working out the arms and doing some bicep curls with resistant bands.  So I’m like “cool, I’m almost done, I can shower and get ready for the day.”  Then it happens.  A bee flies in through my window.  No, I am not allergic, but this just throws me off because the bee keeps acting like he is flying towards me.   I’m caught in confusion!  “Only five more reps! I can do this and then get the bee!” Then the bee flies closer. “Oh God! Just two more reps!”  Here I am continuously trying to run from the bee and still do bicep curls with the resistant band.  It probably looks like I’m doing a backwards lunge all except my concerned face tells otherwise.  I’ve got one more rep and that darn bee just guns it for me.  In panic I pick up the fan that is near by and put it on full blast and face it at the bee.  The bee flies across the room, unable to compete with the forceful wind of the fan.  Victory.  

…

As the story continues the bee eventually flies toward the window; where I trap it in a swift close of the window. I then dance in excitement for trapping the bee and of course for having finished my workout. It was a good day. 

Chocolate Cookies & Cream Ice Cream

It was a glorious day. Hot as usual. The temperatures reaching the higher nineties and it was Kristen and my day out. We planned to see the Sex and the City movie… have lunch… play tennis…the typical day out schedule. So as we’re driving we get the idea to get some ice cream. I mean it’s hot as balls outside why not? 

We go to L&G Dairy in Mount Vernon (if some of you are familiar you would understand why this is a top-notch choice). We walk in, the air conditioning hits us, and then the anxious family cuts us. Great. Of course there is only one person working the counter and the ever so tempting ice cream makes the time go by so much slower. It’s finally our turn we step up to the counter to be greeted by the creepy ice cream scooper guy. Everyone knows this type…hard rocker…long black scraggily hair…you pray he doesn’t actually touch any part of the ice cream you will consume…etc..etc… 

After viewing the selection and pricing the amounts we both decide to get two scoops. I mean the last time we went we were gypped and they had my favorite, chocolate cookies and cream (chocolate ice cream with Oreo’s)!!! So creepy scooper guy starts scooping my ice cream and he does this huge scoop. I’m thinking awesome that’s the perfect cone, but oh… it doesn’t stop there. He keeps scooping until the second scoop (completely outside the cone) is about the size of my head!! No joke. I immediately start laughing because I’m just in shock for how I’m going to eat all this ice cream and I tend to laugh at everything. Kristen, even after seeing how much ice cream I got, still orders two scoops. 

We pay for the cones and walk out the door carrying our cones as if we were lady liberty. An old man sees us in our splendor and says “I don’t know how you guys will be able to eat all of that!” and Kristen’s response is “Oh…well you’d be surprised!” We get in the car and start to drive…Kristen’s driving…and we instantly know there is a problem. The hot weather and huge cones don’t seem to mix well. We start to race for time in eating our cones before they melt all over us. I start to notice how suddenly the car starts to keep inching closer and closer to the shoulder, but of course I can’t say anything because I’m trying to eat my melting cone! Kristen is so profoundly focused on her cone that the car starts cutting into the grass… then above the curb… and then over driveways. This is when I realized oh shit maybe I should say something. So I scream “hey” in my breathless laughing fit and Kristen quickly gets back on the road. She then looks over at me and says, “yeah we should probably pull over” 

There we are sitting in our little black car in the hot sun eating our rapidly melting ice cream cones. I keep stopping to say I can’t eat all of this and Kristen continues to give me the motivational “you can do it” sayings. It gets to the point that Kristen has gotten her cone under control while mine is still lopsided and melting all over me. Kristen, as the trooper she is, takes my cone and makes my ice cream more manageable too…what a good friend! In the end I had ice cream dripping off my chin, on my nose, all over my hands and every where around my mouth. Yes I probably looked like a special child, but damn that was good ice cream! 

Peaches & Cream

Now there must be a curse on me as of right now and the stories just keep getting better and better that, of course, I must share. It all started like this, my friend Caitlin (who I like to call Peaches) and I decided to go snowboarding. The day was nice not too cold not too hot and I figured I could teach some lessons while I was out to make some money…or just play around trying new tricks. So all is going according to plan, I pick Peaches up, head on out, have a full tank of gas, and I am ready to ride! We have a good hour drive chatting and catching up when we are about a mile away from the ski resort. I hear the dreaded sound of something dragging. Peaches is still caught up in her story so I listen but still hear the dreaded sound.

"What’s that noise?!" I ask.

"I don’t know?" Peaches replies.

"Oh crap…, I bet something is dragging…...I bet it is my muffler," I say.

Peaches shrugs her shoulders.

We pull into the resort slowly passing a cop sitting in the parking lot and find the perfect space. We both get out and rush to the back of the car. Sure enough my whole muffler is laying on the ground, like my car was giving birth to its internal parts. GREAT! I call my mom, because she is all knowing, and ask her what to do.

"Go and get some wire hangers and hook it up, BUT DON’T TOUCH IT NOW BECAUSE IT’S GONNA BE HOT!" she says.

"Okay!" I say.

"AND DON’T WAIT TOO LONG BECAUSE IT WILL GET DARK AND THEN YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE!" she continues to say. 

"OKAY!" I say again

…**(My mom is a full blooded Italian and many times when she is "not yelling" she is talking very loud, which is basically her just yelling…...that is why I felt it appropriate to emphasize her "talking" with caps).

So Peaches and I brush the whole muffler situation off and decide to go ride. I sneak up into the instructor’s lodge and grab some hangers just in case anyone else had the brilliant idea to steal hangers that day and take them back to my car. Then we hit the slopes! We’re doing good Peaches is getting the hang of carving again and I’m still trying to do tricks. We keep boarding until we both decide we should take a break. We head out to my car and put our good old mechanics hats on. I lay on the ground and get to work, which I was informed, looked like me, cuddling/spooning, my car. Peaches opens the backseat door and decides to sit and watch. Yes we get many laughs and points and stares at us and even have an audience for awhile, all while I try to bend the hanger to hold my muffler. My hands finally get so cold that I couldn’t bend the hanger that I call Peaches in to take over. She gets down and starts working and then decides we need to use the other hanger (thank god I stole two!). We get it all hooked up and the muffler is about two inches off the ground…with the hangers only one inch from the ground.

"It will work!" Peaches says.

I take a big sigh and just say, "mmmkkk"

We then head into the lodge to enjoy some hot chocolate after all our hard work. I grab the secret snacks I brought and we’re all set! We’re sitting there and Peaches asks what I brought. I’m sooo excited to reveal the candy cigarettes I had brought that I spill my hot chocolate in the moment. Damn! So then we snowboard more and then decide we should leave. We drive in complete silence waiting to hear the muffler hit or drag and gasping with every bump we see and drive over. We are on the highway for approximately 10 minutes when a car coming the other way shines their lights at me with the utmost excitement.

"Man they are going crazy with their lights," Peaches says.

"There must be a cop." I say

"Yeah…" Peaches replies.

Sure enough we pass the cop. …I’m going the speed limit, not swerving, doing pretty good driving (and we don’t hear the muffler dragging… thumbs up!) The cop pulls out… waits 5 minutes I say and then turns on his lights….Crap!

"He must be coming to find out who did such an AWESOME wire hanger

muffler holder!" I say.

"Yeah he’'s gonna want us to work for him!" Peaches says.

"Yes, we shall start a mechanic shop called Peaches and Cream…...I guess I'’ll

go by Cream for the purpose of the shop," I say.

Peaches laughs.

We sit there in anticipation for the cop to walk up to us. I search for my license while Peaches looks through my glove compartment for my gloves, no just kidding, my proof of insurance and registration. The cop then walks on up to Peaches side and knocks on the window.

"Where you headed," he asks.

"We were just snowboarding so we’re heading home." Peaches says.

"Where you headed?" he asks again.

"Mount Vernon," I say.

"Well I pulled you over for two reasons...…first you’r headlight is out… did you know that?"

"No…" I say (even though I noticed it seemed really dark while driving) lol
"And your muffler has seen better days," he said.

"Yeah we just rigged that up at the ski resort," Peaches says.

"Yeah it was actually sparking when you drove by me," he said.

I hold in a laugh.

"Oh! Wow!" I say.

"Yeah, so I need both of your ids and have either of you been in any trouble

with the law?" he asks.

"I'’ve got a speeding ticket," Peaches says.

"Yeah me too." I say.

"So just traffic violations then, nothing else?" he asks.

"No, …nothing." Peaches and I both say.

"Okay well just for random checks if a deputy is near by I’m going to call him and

bring out a dog to search your car. It’s not that I suspect you, it’s just that most people near here that we stop are suspious. You don’t have anything in your car that will set him off do you? I mean small personal stashes we don’t care about its just large amounts," He looks at me curiously.

"No…, my board has goo gone on it, but that’s about it," I say.

He snickers and says, "No, I’'m saying things like marijuana, cocaine, etc"

"No!" I say.

And then he walks back to his car to call the other deputy.

I immediately look at Peaches and say, "Damn I don’t look like a druggie do I?!"

She laughs and says, "Well you might want to look in the mirror… you kind of do." Lol  My natural hair is this crazy wave look, which of course becomes extenuated after snowboarding… and I had headband around my head….soooo yeahhh lol.

He finally returns with our ids and hands them back to us.

"Yeah there is no other deputy’s nearby and I trust you guys so i'm just giving you a warning to get that headlight fixed and …have a good night!" he says.

"Thank you, you too." Peaches and I both say.

The cop slowly walks away and the relief sinks in.

"Man I’m pissed!" Peaches says.

"Why?!" I ask.

"I wanted to see your car searched!" she says.

"You turd!" I respond.

Then as the rest of the drive goes we make it half way home and we hear the dreaded sound again. Dang it! Sure enough it had fallen off again and was gracefully dragging under my car. Peaches calls her dad to make sure it’s okay to drive like this, he said it would be alright and if we could we should try to stop at the auto parts store nearby. So we make it into the little town and are almost to the auto parts store. Whew! The noise of the dragging muffler had gotten us both worried that we had turned the radio up to drown out the sound. We pull in, there are lights on, cars in the parking lot, good signs! We walk up to the front door and it’s locked. The guy inside stares at us, and then returns to his vacuuming. ASS!

"UGH! I just want to drive by real slow by the front door so he can see my

muffler dragging! Stupid guy!" I say.

Then we continue on our drive home with the dreaded dragging sound. Ugh. The fun part about the drive is how people would be tailgating me at the lights/stop signs and then would back off in the instant that we would start driving. AND I wasn’t even going the speed limit and they remained about half a mile back from us. Nice… way to make me feel like the kid who farts in class.

Now as the saga continues I tried hooking my muffler up yet again to take it into the shop. I gave my mechanic the sad sap story so he would sympathize for me, because it usually works, and then he would give me a deal to fix it. In the process of trying to hook it up I notice a HUGE hole in the muffler, and decide there is no hope now for trying to fix it and or hook it up to drive more…I will need a new muffler. I take it in the shop, he hooks it up and charges me nothing, THANK GOD! Then he had to order my new muffler. As I drive back home I listen to the growl of my car. I then realize I have the Humpty Dumpty of cars. No matter how much I try and make it new again…, it’s a shitty car. In the near future I plan on driving my car over a cliff and then becoming a transformer so I will no longer depend on anything besides myself for transportation. 

Rude Awakening

It was during the summer and my cousin Nicky was getting married.  She asked me to be the videographer for her wedding so I said "why not?!".  Two of my other sisters, Amy and Alisha said they would go too.  That made the 5 of us riding along in the car: my pops driving, my mom up front, and Alisha, Amy and I sitting in the back.  Now I remember the days when I was a kid where all 6 of us girls would sit in the back seat of the car and  everything was fine and dandy.  As we are all adults now, 3 girls in the back seat sucked!  We're driving along --the drive is about 3 hours-- and I get too anxy sitting on the seat so I sit on the floor between the back of the drivers seat and the back seat.  My sister Alisha scoots over more to the empty seat I left and falls asleep or "rests her eyes" as she likes to say.  Well as we're driving I hear my dad start making the noises like he's going to spit out the window.  He said, "one of the girl's hairs got in my mouth and I was just trying to spit it out."  He rolls down the window, spits and carries on with just focusing on the road.  This was the moment I was so grateful to be sitting on the floor.  Our window in the back seat had been rolled down and my dad's spit came flying through our window and smacks Alisha in the face.  She instantly woke up.  I could not stop laughing and I kept repeating, "Thank god i'm sitting on the floor! Thank god I'm sitting on the floor! That would have been me! hahahhahaha" LOL Alisha wiped her face off with utter disgust and my dad didn't have a clue.  My mom then turned around to see what was all the commotion about and laughed when she saw.   She then bitched, "If that was me who spit, you guys would have yelled at me! But since it was your dad you just sit back there quietly!" lol Too good! To this day I still vividly picture the spit hitting Alisha's face and the disgusted face she had while wiping it away...awesome.

The Power of a Helmet & a Garden Glove

The day was planned, everything packed, tickets ready, we were ready to go to the land of the Kings; Kings Island that is. It was my sister Angie and I traveling for two hours in anticipation for riding the rides. We finally get there and realize how chilly it is. I mean it's the middle of October of course its going to be cold. So I grab a winter hat I find in the car and my sister still stands there, watching me while being empty handed. She searches the car finding one garden glove and then has the epiphany. "My helmet!" She exclaims. So me not thinking anything of it is like "cool, whatever, grab the helmet put on the glove and lets go." It was how everyone pictures it. We run to the front gates as if it were Wally World itself. The excitement had us jumping around and going crazy. We make it to the front gate, hand the guy our tickets and the tragedy befalls us. "Umm these tickets are expired," he says. "What?" my sister and I ask, both in astonishment. "You can go talk to the ticket sales if you want," he says. This is when my sister had another brilliant idea, but I admit she does not tell me or lead on any inclination of what she is about to do.  Oh and yes she is still wearing the bicycle helmet and one garden glove. There we are standing at the ticket sales when my sister starts acting retarded; literally retarded. Yeah you read that right. She explains how "we had such a long drive" and "how its cold,"etc, etc...I was dumbfounded.  What was she doing?! Yeah most people would burst out laughing at a time like this, but this is kind of a normal thing that happens in my family...well especially with Angie.  So then I start to debate in my head "Am I the mentally stable person that's watching this girl? or should I be mentally challenged?"  With time quickly passing by and the fate of our night riding on this moment, I then choose to just say "yeahhh! yeahhh!" after everything Angie said to play another mentally challenged person.  Yes, I understand I didn't look the part--I mean who could top a bicycle helmet and 1 garden glove-- but I felt I did a pretty good job. Then the guy in the tickets sales slid us two tickets and said, "Have a good time." We kept our cool --mainly in case the guy was still watching-- got checked in, then ran into the park and laughed the whole rest of the night.